[miscellaneous] A Theater Scene

Decemeber 2015

The audience is a group of junior copywriters at a Software Development and Marketing firm. They provide turnkey solutions, from product conception to distribution.  I’m a seasoned veteran who understands consumer psychology. I’ve just looked over their copies and think it’s all crap. I go into a heated diatribe about what they’re doing wrong and the fundamental principle that they’re not grasping- which is that as much as a customer buys with utility in mind, they are thinking more so about what the item signals to their social peers.

It’s got  similar feeling to the Alec Baldwin Always be Closing scene.

Basic sketch:

Stack of drafts in my hand and I’m absolutely disgusted.

“Have you guys every, ever, stopped what you’re doing and just sat down to think? Listen to me, you elementary fucks. Humans behave in certain ways. They behave in certain ways for certain reasons. They don’t always know these reasons, but the reasons are there.

You. What’s your name. Jake? God damnit Jake. You think you understand things. You’re momma sent you to business school. Congratulations on a piece of paper that cost you about a quarter million dollars to say that you’re smart. It’s unfortunate the illusion shatters as soon as you start talking.

Turn to another junior.

Ryan gosling wannabe. Look, i don’t give a damn about your high cheeks. You’re copy is shit. people don’t buy these things because of their utility. People buy things to signal. Your BMW. That white Beamer. 2004 Model 500i. November 14 2003 I wrote that copy at the Coffeebean on fourth. Let me tell you something about that. That copy is not for Johnny the Executive manager at the Wells Fargo Newport Head branch. It’s for the lazy ass, potatoes in the cubicles. The folks who’ll never be able to afford that sweet, sexy baby. Don’t get me wrong, it’s so sexy that people will still buy it on that merit alone. But it’s sexier when everyone around you can’t have it and you can. When you’re one of the few. Our marketing budget was 73 million in the domestic market. 71 million was spent on advertising channels whose data readily shows that the consumer base can’t afford it. But that’s the point. We’re not trying to put an ad in front of the people that will buy. We’re trying to put the ad in front of all the people that can’t. BMW is worth shit if people don’t know how expensive it is. The people must know. Johnny the Executive Manager at Wells Fargo loves the car. But he loves what it signals more.

The rest of you guys, you hearing me? Alright, don’t get too down boys. Get back to the drawing boards. See you Friday.